Funny Status Ideas

I'm gonna start a band called the "Sigmund Freuds". The drummer is gonna have phallic cymbals.

When a girl says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, remember that she's using the same time scale a guy uses when he says there are 5 minutes left in the game.

Dear Jesus, sorry for not hitting "Like" on my friend's "Hit Like if you love Jesus" post. I really do think you're great.

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous. If a little kid says you’re ugly, then you’re ugly.

There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up.

Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it's only Wednesday.

When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.