Funny Status Ideas

I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "Nah. Six should be enough..."

I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I'll pretend to love it."

I feel bad for people that have to work today. It's like you have 2 Mondays this week...

What did I get for Christmas? Fat...

There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.

Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.