Funny Status Ideas

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

You make me a better person of interest.

I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

Egg prices are so crazy right now, I ordered an omelette for brunch and 7 girls brought it out with a sparkler.

Security at every level of the airport is insane until you get to baggage claim. Then it’s like take whatever bag you want.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. Sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.