Funny Status Ideas

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does

I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

Sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

Just when you start to feel like you’re #1, God throws a blue turtle shell.

I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.

I wish there was a way to tell which Google searches were typed with the most urgency. I bet "icy hot on groin" would be pretty high up there.

The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.