Funny Status Ideas

I've never jumped in one of those photos where everyone was supposed to jump. I always just open my mouth and throw my arms in the air.

I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty teller. "What kind of gun is that?" "How many bullets does it hold?"

I'm going to start randomly tagging myself in everyone's pictures. Just in case I ever need an alibi.

Being a man means doing what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. This is my…crap she’s coming. To be continued.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep

Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.