Funny Status Ideas

I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…

If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

Condoms do NOT guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Was eating jerky today and there was a little silica packet with a warning that said "Do not eat." Good thinking. Too bad there wasn't a warning on the plastic packaging too It took me two days to get that stuff out of my teeth.

To do list: Buy CD of ice cream truck music. Drive down the street blasting it. Watch kids get disappointed.