Funny Status Ideas

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally

Typed in "Tim Howard" in Google, waiting for the search results. He blocked those too!

Today France plays Germany... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War 2 record...

When girls wear yoga pants I feel like the ghosts from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.

Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.

I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.

Id like to go to sleep but the light from my cell phone laptop and tablet are keeping me up.