Funny Status Ideas

I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end damage. Must See

Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

My ex used to treat me like a God (she only thought of me when she needed something and forgot about me when things were going well)

I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.