Funny Status Ideas

Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower

7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10

My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service

If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating

Note to self... next time my wife asks what's on tv, don't say dust