Funny Status Ideas

The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer

My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.

I'm so sick of calling a telephone number only to be directed to a website. I am well aware of the internet.

My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...

Casual, but fun. An extra "t" there can ruin your night.

My man-animal chimeras have been declared "unethical". Something to do with "human guinea pigs"

How inconsiderate of that cop to pull me over. It should have been pretty obvious that I was in a hurry.