Funny Status Ideas

I have purchased thousands of bobby pins in my lifetime. I currently have about 2.

Me: "We decided we don't really want to have kids." Her: "Don't you already have 2?" Me: "Yeah..."

The older I get, the more badly I realize I need adult supervision.

I don't want my wife getting massages. All that can happen is she learns that other people can touch her better than I do.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.

Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you're ugly.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way.