Funny Status Ideas

Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you're like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you're from Alabama)

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you're a terrible person and had it coming.

I just started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it's between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".

Ever have a plan for the day, then 4pm rolls around and you've achieved literally nothing?

I wonder how they sold physicians on the first prostate exams

Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I'm tipping my ATM more than my bartender.