Funny Status Ideas

Well at least the funeral home won't have to invest a lot of money to preserve Joan Rivers. All the plastic surgery was preparation enough...

If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders

I wanted to lose 10 lbs this year. Only 13 more to go!

I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!"

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

The FAA has now banned tweezers aboard airplanes. Personally I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

My friend wanted to meet someone the old fashioned way, so I offered sheep and land to a man she didn't know if he agreed to take care of her.