Funny Status Ideas

I wanted to lose 10 lbs this year. Only 13 more to go!

I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!"

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

The FAA has now banned tweezers aboard airplanes. Personally I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

My friend wanted to meet someone the old fashioned way, so I offered sheep and land to a man she didn't know if he agreed to take care of her.

The sign said tipping appreciated. Yeah right, Waitress seemed pretty pissed when she got back up.

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand...well that hand is busy.