Funny Status Ideas

"If by "cat person" you mean I sleep a lot and will lose my temper with you without provocation, then yes, I'm a cat person."

My Tinder Rule: If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you're buying me drinks until you do.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up."

I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"

I’m going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i’m correct, they should owe me $950

If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

Somebody just asked me if I knew a good plastic surgeon. Would I look like this if I did?