Funny Status Ideas

Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.

When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?

At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.

This is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"

I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that'd be great.