Funny Status Ideas

Besides Watermelon, there should be Firemelon, Airmelon and Earthmelon: The four Elemelons.

My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.

When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

I wonder if this whole Ebola thing is going to go viral.

There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you're not.