Funny Status Ideas

When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

I wonder if this whole Ebola thing is going to go viral.

There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you're not.

Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.

When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?