Funny Status Ideas

I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

Do people who run voluntarily know that we're not food anymore?

More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.

Watching CSPAN is a lot like watching security camera footage from Mens Warehouse.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant.

What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.