Funny Status Ideas

Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

The condoms need to be located in the f*cking baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula can

I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".

Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.

I only seem to remember I want to lose weight AFTER eating 6 cookies.