Funny Status Ideas

If you need a celebrity to tell you to vote, you probably shouldn’t vote.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

Just replied to an ad by a young woman looking for a co sleeper. Wow was I way off on what I thought she wanted.

Nothing says "I’ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

My mom bought way too much candy this year since hardly any trick or treaters came to the house. I have boatloads of candy. If anybody wants some, message me so that I can tell you to f*&% off because it's all mine!

And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a drink at Starbucks.