Funny Status Ideas

My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.

Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.

You call it beef jerky. I prefer the term "cow raisins"

Charles Manson is engaged to be married at the age of 80. Think they're registered at Blood Bath & Beyond?

I don't understand why people pay therapists when I'll tell them what's wrong with them for free.

Keep the dream alive! Hit the snooze button.

I wish quitting your job was like quitting smoking. I want to put a patch on my arm that pays me part of my salary after I quit...