Funny Status Ideas

I wonder what the world would be like if everyone was as happy as they pretended to be on social media

Never let a medical procedure scare you. That's what the bill is for.

I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.

It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...

Today was really bad, like having a prostate exam from a leper proctologist walking away with 9 fingers...

For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.

I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI surveillance van.