Funny Status Ideas

Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

If I could get a firm grip on reality...I'd probably choke it.

Do you, take Ted the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage