Funny Status Ideas

Do you, take Ted the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

I just realized I’ll never be a Lawyer because I can’t pass a bar.

Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.