Funny Status Ideas

The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until the guy making out with twenty different women seems like he'd make a good husband?"

Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

I got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. I Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

I went to Big Lots with a $100 gift card. They just handed me the keys to the store.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.

99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%