Funny Status Ideas

I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.

"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

A special place in hell just for me? Aww… you shouldn't have.

My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.

The first thing my wife did was to get me to put the toilet seat down. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around with me in the first place. . .

I simply do not understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild