Funny Status Ideas

Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.

I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...

I show affection for my pets by holding them against me whispering "I love you" while they struggle to break free.

Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

Ariana Grande sounds like a Taco Bell combo meal.

When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "There is a bear out there who knows how to use matches".

I just want to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.