Funny Status Ideas

I don't have time to tell you how wrong you are. But I'm going to any way because it will bug me if I don't.

My butt decided to go big instead of go home.

"Lord I have two of every animal on the ark..." *slaps mosquito on neck* "I have two of ALMOST every animal on the ark..."

I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.

I'm more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.

I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn't it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?

Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.