Funny Status Ideas

Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?

The only thing that appears correct on my paycheck is the amount I got paid is “gross.”

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?

It’s 2015. Why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?

“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.

My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.