Funny Status Ideas

How can I learn to be more patient? (I'm only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)

I just want to find the "she" to my "nanigans".

Driving is really just a real life loading screen with a mini-game.

I dont know why we say "luckiest man alive" the "alive" part is pretty redundant, probably a pre qualifier to be considered for luckiest man

Age is a number and mine is unlisted..

Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

Adrian Peterson is back with the Vikings. I wonder if they'll whip him back into shape.