Funny Status Ideas

Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really terrible holiday.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. He seems like a nice guy. Loves his kids.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search. It may be a while before I go out in public again. .

Do you ever start telling your parents a funny story but then you remember what happened was illegal?

Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.