Funny Status Ideas

In the 90s if a woman said “my eyes are up here” it was because a guy was staring at her chest Today it’s because he’s staring at his phone.

If I don’t talk to myself, who will?

Am I the only one who thinks the Pringles guy and Monopoly guy are related?

I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I’m also deaf in one ear.

There is no “u” in awesome… But there is a “me”!

I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.