Funny Status Ideas

Recipes are like dating profiles. They never look like the picture...

At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?

If Jared from Subway gets busted for child porn, he will still have plenty of "Footlongs" to choose from where he is going.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I'm also deaf in one ear.

July 4th Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.