Funny Status Ideas

The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.

As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.

Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time

I wish I could veto MY bills.

I hope manners is the next cool trend.

Coffee grinders feel like a bad idea. Should I really be operating a spinning blade machine before I've had my coffee?