Funny Status Ideas

I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.

Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair.

I would like to think that I'll die heroic death saving someone's life but it's more likely I'll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.

You're not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.

Why hasn't anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you're gonna be late?