Funny Status Ideas

I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes.

I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.

I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?

Using my phone after the low battery warning comes on is as close as I'll get to dismantling a bomb.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realized I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot.

I would like to see the new Steve Jobs movie, but know as soon as I do they will come out with a new one that is shot with a better camera and has a larger screen.