Funny Status Ideas

We have a $740+ BILLION defense budget and the rest of the world just watched our Capitol get stormed by the cast rejects of Duck Dynasty.

Farting under the covers it’s not longer a “Dutch oven”. It has become a COVID test. If you can smell or taste it, you’re negative.

Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?

I just called my bank and told them I want to find 11,780 more dollars in my account by tomorrow and that they counted wrong.

Shout out to all the dads who got chores list cleverly disguised as Home Depot gift cards for Christmas

My floors are so clean you can eat off of them. Look there is a Dorito there and some Cheerios under the couch...

Sometimes you have throw away perfectly good printer paper to hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.