Funny Status Ideas

I don't think I drink too much! but last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I take long showers in the morning. Not because I like them so much, but because I want to postpone starting the day as long as possible. If the hot water never ran out, I'd probably never go to work.

I have a love/hate relationship with strong contradictory emotions.

Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

We just got a fax at work. We didn't even know we had a fax machine. The entire office just stared at it confused.

Does anybody know if you can hire somebody to just hang out, maybe go bowling or something? I'm asking for a friend.

The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.