Funny Status Ideas

Never lie to an X-Ray technician. They can see right through you.

My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

I now own an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

For every cigarette you smoke, God takes an hour from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a butt across an airport; I'm sure they know it's NOT bacon

I can't get out of bed. These blanket have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.

You've better look like your profile picture, .or you're buying me drinks until you do.