Funny Status Ideas

I kind of hate having a legitimate reason for being late to work. Now I have to cross that off the list of possible fake reasons to use later.

I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their WiFi.

Sending your navy to sit in international waters just off a country's coastline is the world's highest-stakes game of "I'm not touching you"

I spilled my pumkin spice latte and now a bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga.

Tarzan was the original vine star.

I'm willing to bet that if Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones ever had a rap battle, it would be the most relaxing thing ever.

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.