Funny Status Ideas

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

If I ever die, I'm going to be so mad about all the times I ate kale.

“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I'm telling mom”

If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

I'm not "single", I'm "independently owned and operated".

I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.

Just saw a Victoria Secret commercial filled with sexy super models which boldly stated "Panties 30% off" I was excited until I realized it was a hoax! All those panties were 100% ON!