Funny Status Ideas

"That's crazy" is the perfect response when you haven't been listening.

Does Whitmans make chocolates or is all they do is make these samplers. What if I want 1000 of one type of candy?

I started carrying around a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.

I bet Christmas morning was really intense for Schrödinger.

If I ever become a brain-dead and I'm just laying in a hospital bed all day, the least you can do is put me into funny poses.

Whenever I'm about to tell someone that their fly is down, I can't think of a good enough reason for why I was looking down in the first place.