Funny Status Ideas

I was bringing Sexie back but I lost the receipt so I only got a store credit.

Every time I see an armored truck I want to rob it, but what's worse is I feel the same way every time I see a Bud Light truck

I bought some ginkgo biloba to improve my memory, but I keep forgetting to take it.

I'm still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.

I fought a very valiant spider in the shower this morning. I admired his boldness and will. But unfortunately he chose his arena poorly. For when I am in the shower I become mighty Poseidon, God of the Seas. He didn't stand a chance.

The only time I set the bar low is for "Limbo"

I've deleted enough stupid Facebook posts to realize I should never, ever get a tattoo.