Funny Status Ideas

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

I disagree with Kay's Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with alcohol of some sort than Kay.

Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

It's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place...

The hardest part about becoming vegan is having to wake up at 5:00 am to milk the almonds.