Funny Status Ideas

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal

Is there another word for synonym?

You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.