Funny Status Ideas

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I'd totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.

Ramen noodles will always taste like an empty bank account.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

Intelligence: Knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom: Not putting tomatoes in a Fruit Salad. Philosophy: Wondering if Ketchup is a Smoothie.

When I go running, I usually meet new people. Like paramedics...