Funny Status Ideas

I should have told my wife I was referring to her memory BEFORE comparing her to an elephant.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.

It's a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn't!

I should win an Oscar for acting like I'm busy at work.

There's a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.

No one is as ugly as their driver's license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.