Funny Status Ideas

I am sure that wherever my ex-girlfriend is, she's looking down on me. She's not dead, just very condescending.

Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

What if I told you I could literally cut your phone bill in HALF with an exciting new product called scissors?!

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

drove past the drug rehab center today and was rather amused by the sign out front - "Keep off the grass".

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.