Funny Status Ideas

Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.

I wouldn’t need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...

A friend of mine just quit his job selling computer parts. He lost his drive.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.