Funny Status Ideas

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo. Because in case of a disaster I want to look like the most important person to save.

Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work

"Thank God! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.

When will my neighbor's dog ever get the hint that my leg just wants to be friends?

I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine...

I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn't pay attention to, that turned out to be major plot turning points....